Squashing the Poms 5-0 in a home Ashes series is widely seen by Australians less as a bonus than as a sacred national duty. Never mind Glenn McGrath making 5-0 his mantra, Marnus Labuschagne, seldom shy of running his mouth, took about five minutes after the urn-retaining wicket in Adelaide to start crowing about the whitewash to come. To ask Merv Hughes earlier this year whether he might relish an even contest was to see that magnificent moustache twitch, as he solemnly informed me that he loved nothing more than a blowout.
Now that 5-0 is off the table, thanks to the almost drunken abandon of England’s two-day Test triumph in Melbourne, there is an unseemly rush to chalk off the tourists’ first win in almost 15 years as a freak occurrence borne solely of that green monster of a pitch. It was the Test so farcical that it should, according to host broadcaster Fox Sports, “forever carry an asterisk”. Even if England turn the screw by making it 3-2 in Sydney next week, Andrew McDonald, the Australian head coach, has insisted he would regard it as a matter of supreme irrelevance. “The scoreline will just mean whether we got more World Test Championship points or fewer,” he shrugged. “The Ashes were done at 3-0.”
In a sense, he is right. The all-important business is settled. While a 3-2 final score would be more palatable for the England and Wales Cricket Board, it would only heighten public exasperation with the Bazballers’ indolent build-up for a tour so momentous. Still, there is some amusement to be found in the howling indignation stoked by events in Melbourne, with local criticism of the wicket so ferocious that groundsman Matt Page had to be hauled in front of the TV cameras on a Sunday morning for his penance, like some medieval miscreant about to be pelted with rotten fruit.
That MCG curator Matt Page was made to speak to the press illustrates the indignation Australia feels over the two-day defeat – Getty Images/Morgan Hancock
While pitch curators in Australia are media-trained, conducting pre-match press conferences that their English counterparts might find grandiose, it was impossible not to feel for Page, the Melbourne Cricket Club’s “executive manager of turf”, as he faced the wrath of a nation. He looked pale and haunted listening to Stuart Fox, the club’s chief executive, describe how hundreds of staff would be sent on leave early and how three days’ worth of sustenance at this 100,000-seat coliseum would be redistributed to the homeless via food banks.
Although they deserved credit for taking accountability, the glare of the spotlight on Page in particular felt perverse. This was a set-up befitting a prime ministerial address, beamed live on national television, with dozens of journalists demanding to know how he had dared create such a rancid pitch. For 21 minutes he was grilled, essentially, about why he had cut the grass to 10 millimetres rather than eight. There is nothing like an abbreviated Test, it turns out, for creating amateur agronomists of us all.
The rancour was not just confined to this bizarre scene outside Gate Two of the MCG. On talkback radio, a lady from Western Australia was in tears lamenting what she saw as the death of Test cricket. As disgruntled as many people were at both teams’ batsmen apparently believing that the Boxing Day Test needed to be completed by the end of December 26, a more plausible explanation for this outrage was the disruption to holiday viewing. Many Australians cherish this staple of their summer sporting calendar simply because it offers a reliable post-Christmas comfort, a drama to savour at leisure on their return from mornings at the beach. What were they supposed to do with themselves now? To exchange this promised five-course meal for the fast-food equivalent of the Big Bash, sponsored by Kentucky Fried Chicken?
All predictions of a 5-0 whitewash for Australia have been a terminal body blow – Shutterstock/James Ross
There is irritation, too, that England have had the temerity to derail a procession towards the cherished 5-0. You can tell from the peevish Australian commentaries, one of which concluded that Ben Stokes’s team simply profited from a scenario that suits “the gambler, the fluker”. Granted, some of England’s frantic fourth-innings run chase looked agricultural at times, with Ben Duckett hacking away for his 34 as if still on the beach in Noosa. These were tactics necessitated, though, by the spiteful surface. “Fluke” seems a touch ungracious.
You might remember how, after this tour’s first two-dayer in Perth, there was no such gnashing of teeth, no wailing that the winners had ridden their luck. And this was because glory belonged to Australia. Forget any pearl-clutching about the match’s truncated length. On that occasion, there was positive glee that the travelling England fans would have so much time on their hands. “England’s Daddy”, The West Australian gloated over a front-page picture of centurion Travis Head with his wife and daughter. “20,000 glum Poms have been handed a three-day holiday.”
It would seem, then, that principled opposition to two-day Tests depends entirely on the team that wins. Now that they have been on the wrong end of one, Australia would like to pretend either that it never happened or to offer up the poor curator as a human sacrifice. It is quite the spectacle, and one that England – in a tour painfully lacking in psychological nourishment – would be wise to take as a moral victory.
MCG punished for ‘unsatisfactory’ pitch after Boxing Day farce
Steve Smith takes evasive action during the fourth Ashes Test at the MCG – Getty Images/William West
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The Melbourne pitch for the farcical Boxing Day Test has been officially graded “unsatisfactory” by the match officials.
The two-day Boxing Day clash was won by England, but at a cost, with Gus Atkinson becoming the third member of their fast-bowling battery to be ruled out the rest of the tour. He will play no part in the Sydney Test because of a hamstring injury, meaning Matthew Potts is likely to make his Ashes debut.
There has also been a cost to the finances – to the tune of £12.5m – and pride of Australian cricket, with the Melbourne Cricket Ground pitch officially criticised by the International Cricket Council. The MCG groundsman, Matt Page, was hauled in front of the media on Sunday morning, with match referee Jeff Crowe’s rating of “unsatisfactory” arriving on Monday.
“The MCG pitch was too much in favour of the bowlers,” Crowe said in an ICC statement. “With 20 wickets falling on the first day, 16 on the second day and no batter even reaching a half-century, the pitch was ‘Unsatisfactory’ as per the guidelines and the venue gets one demerit point.”
The ICC’s pitch rating system has changed since the MCG received a “poor” grade for the 2017 Ashes Test in which Sir Alastair Cook carried his bat for a record 244 and just 24 wickets fell in five days. Now, “unsatisfactory” is the second-lowest grade, above only “unfit”. The Melbourne pitch has received the lowest rating since the change was made by the ICC.
The rating is in stark contrast to the “very good” grade handed to the Perth Stadium pitch that also provided a two-day finish, and that rating was followed by a proud statement from Cricket Australia. This time, CA was “disappointed for fans … that the pitch did not provide the MCG’s customary balance between bat and ball”.
All eyes now turn to Sydney, where the fifth Test starts on January 4.
Atkinson injured with Potts his likely replacement
England will be without Atkinson, who suffered a hamstring injury on the second day of the Boxing Day Test. He underwent a scan on Sunday, and the end of his tour has now been confirmed.
This means Potts is likely to come into England’s attack in Sydney, with Surrey’s Matthew Fisher the only other possibility. They have opted not to call up another bowler, meaning their squad is now just 14 strong.
Potts has been on tour throughout but is yet to play. He has played 10 Tests, but none in 2025, and should offer control with the new ball alongside Brydon Carse and Josh Tongue, who was man of the match in Melbourne.
Matthew Potts has not played an Ashes Test but averages 29.44 with 36 wickets from 10 Tests – PA/Robbie Stephenson
Atkinson joins Mark Wood, who was injured in Perth, and Jofra Archer, who succumbed to a side strain in Adelaide on the sidelines. It leaves England’s long-term plan to hit Australia with pace in tatters.
England managed well without Atkinson in Melbourne, with Carse, Tongue and Ben Stokes bowling beautifully to limit their fourth-innings target to just 175, which they chased for the loss of six wickets. Stokes appeared to be nursing a groin injury, but he appears on course to play in Sydney.
This is Atkinson’s second hamstring injury of the year. The first, suffered against Zimbabwe, was to his right hamstring, but this is his left. He picked up six wickets in three Tests in Australia, but often bowled better than his figures suggested.
England may consider bringing Shoaib Bashir in for Will Jacks, given the pitch for the final Test is likely to be flatter following the two-day debacle at the MCG, and Sydney’s history of helping spinners.
Despite long gaps between the first three Tests, Australia have also been ravaged by bowling injuries, with Josh Hazlewood out for the whole series, Pat Cummins playing just one match, and Nathan Lyon two.
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